Miscarriage: Chances are you have had one or know someone who has…

Miscarriage – the one word that brings with it a flood of emotions for those who have experienced it as well as those who haven’t. Those of us who have personally experienced the heartbreak of having a miscarriage can have the wind knocked out of us by simply thinking of the word. For those who have yet to experience a miscarriage they are instantly filled with dread and wish with all their might that they will never have to experience one in their lifetime.

Chances are you have had one or you know someone who has. And dealing with the aftermath is heartbreaking.

I won’t go into the nitty gritty of what having an actual miscarriage is like, because I guarantee those of you who have had one (or more) know exactly what happens in graphic detail and you will never forget. Each one is different in it’s own way, much like pregnancy is. What I WILL say is that no matter how you miscarry, whether it’s early on or further into a pregnancy, the grief felt is universal. The loss and the mourning that takes place afterwords is felt by all. Because we are mourning our babies, the promise of our child. The second we find out we are pregnant it is not just a foetus, it is our baby and instantly becomes the love of our life. So when the life of that love is cut short, we mourn the loss in our own way. And we never forget. We may get on with life, but we NEVER forget.

We all deal with miscarriage in our own way. Some of us choose to keep it to ourselves and mourn privately, some choose to share it with others so they can process their loss vocally.

Your loss is real, it’s normal and healthy to mourn the loss of your baby. Take all the time you need to recover, whether it’s a month, a year or a decade. There is no “right” way to deal with it.

I’m sure many of you have been advised by a health professional or a well meaning loved one that ‘it was meant to be’ and it ‘happened for a reason’. And yes logically that may be the case, but it doesn’t lessen the impact of the loss and it is perfectly normal to throw logic out the window and completely ignore it – because knowing that it ‘happened for a reason’ doesn’t mean a thing to you right now.

Miscarriage. A group that many of us are in yet one we desperately wish we weren’t a part of. But in saying that, it means we aren’t alone. We have the chance to be there for one another, to empathise and mourn with others. We can support each other should it happen again, or be there for those who have experienced it for the first time.

For those who prefer to mourn privately, I hope that reading this brings you some comfort. I hope you know that whatever you feel it is normal. It is ok to be utterly devastated and incapacitated by grief and to avoid pregnancy because you are too scared to experience this loss again. It is also ok to be disappointed yet determined to try again as soon as you can.

For those who heal by sharing their stories I hope you feel free to share your story here with us, so those reading this post can relate to your personal story of healing, and take comfort in knowing that we are all here if need be.

So to begin the thread, I will share my personal experience with miscarriage.

I have had two miscarriages, both after my eldest son. One was very early on in the pregnancy, the other a little further down the track and happened on Father’s Day a couple of years ago. Although both were heartbreaking in their own way, the miscarriage on Father’s Day is the one that still haunts me. Perhaps it was the fact that it was on that particular day. Or because I was a little further along. Or the fact that at that time I had many health issues and I was frustrated with my body for letting me down once again. After that day I had decided I did not want to go through that again. That it was just too heartbreaking. I was truly content and blessed with my one miracle boy.

Eight months down the track when I least expected it – I started feeling a little strange, and I found out quite early on that I was pregnant again. We were so excited! We’d been given another chance! But we were nervous, and we didn’t tell anyone ‘just in case’. Then at 7 weeks I started having the familiar pains and cramps. The pain that brings with it the all consuming fear and dread that it could be happening again.

The doctor feared the worst and informed me I should prepare for the likely chance I had just miscarried again. I was numb. I couldn’t let myself feel any emotion because I knew it would be my undoing. So when the sonographer told me she could not see the baby’s heartbeat I wanted the floor to swallow me up whole. All I could think of was ‘Why?’ ‘Why is this happening to me again?’. Then upon further investigation, there it was, his little heartbeat. And it was strong. My baby boy was fighting for his little life. As each day passed I was grateful that I was one day closer to his due date. I tried my best not to let the toxic fear seep into my mind – the dread that he might not make it. As I passed through each trimester I continued to thank god that he had survived, that he was still fighting. I suffered many complications throughout the pregnancy but we fought through it together, and he was very active – almost as if to give me peace of mind that he was still there and he wasn’t going anywhere.

It wasn’t until he was born and I heard him cry that I realised I had been holding my breath for 9 long months. I was finally able to admit to myself that throughout the pregnancy every trip to the bathroom was met with dread, the dread that perhaps I would see the sign that I was miscarrying again.

Did my history with miscarriage rob me of really enjoying my pregnancies? Perhaps. But it also made me grateful for the little man I had already given birth to, and the little fighter who came into my life afterwards.

Will I ever forget my miscarriages? No. I don’t think anyone really forgets them. Perhaps we move on and we heal, but we will always remember the day, the year, we can calculate how old that child would have been and we still dream of how their little lives would have been within our family unit.

I initially chose to deal with my miscarriages privately with my loved ones, but after having friends and acquaintances sharing their own experiences with me and us all finding comfort in knowing we weren’t alone, I now extend an open invitation to all those who would like to share their experiences. This is a safe place.  There is no judgement. There is no right or wrong. It’s just about you and your personal journey.

Love and Hugs, 

Jess -ox- 

Please note: Negativity, judgement and bullying will not be tolerated. Any comments which are deemed to be rude or combative will be deleted immediately. 

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49 thoughts on “Miscarriage: Chances are you have had one or know someone who has…

  1. Natalie says:

    I experienced something very similar to yourself. I had 2 miscarriages after my first child, both occurred around 5-6 weeks. The first was a missed one, the second time around happened when I was at home and it was quite painful, and it happened on my husband’s birthday. Then when I was pregnant again 6 months later, I started getting the same symptoms and we were certain I was miscarrying. By this point, I wasnt sad, but I was angry and I remember yelling and crying in my room, asking “why God, why is this happening again?” Turns out that I wasn’t miscarrying but was simply spotting, and it happened while I was on my feet. So I had to spend 6 weeks in bed to make sure everything would be fine. This pregnancy went on to be my most difficult- gastro 3 times, migraines, gestational diabetes. But I gave birth to a healthy girl (I call her my miracle baby). I went on to have a third healthy girl. I resonate with what you have written here, thanks for sharing your experiences!

    Like

    • mamasvidaloca says:

      Hi Natalie! Thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry to hear you have also experienced miscarriages but it does make me so happy to know that you have three healthy beautiful babies in your life. ❤ I completely understand how you feel, and having had two very difficult full term pregnancies I too feel my children are my miracles. I think there is a time when sadness does turn into anger – it's hard to fathom how something this heartbreaking can happen to a person time and again. Again, I am happy to hear of your beautiful family and that you were able to relate to my experience. x J x

      Like

  2. Luisa @ Looking for mama me says:

    Im so sorry you’ve had to experience that loss 😦 I’m one of the lucky ones, but the whole time I was pregnant with my daughter I was so paranoid! A good friend had a miscarriage earlier in the year at 10weeks purely because she ate the wrong thing. It was so horrible for her and weighed on my mind in the first few months. I also remember sitting in the ER (hubby was sick) about 2 weeks before I fell pregnant and I remember a woman came in and was put in the bed next to us, she was having a miscarriage. I remember how distressed she was and how I sat on the other side of the curtain crying at her pain. Before I was pregnant, I had no idea how common it was but my heart feels for anyone who has experience it. xo

    Like

    • mamasvidaloca says:

      Oh Luisa I am so happy to hear you are one of the lucky ones. I completely understand the fear of having a miscarriage – it is the same whether you have experienced one personally or not. We all know of someone who has and our hearts break for them and we so desperately hope it won’t happen to us. I also didn’t realise how common it was until most people I knew started their own families, or trying to. Unfortunately it is so common. But luckily there are women like you who are compassionate and caring. xo

      Like

  3. Kaye says:

    I’ve never experienced miscarriage myself but after worrying my way through my first pregnancy I can’t even imagine the devastation. My heart goes out to everyone who’s experienced one at whatever time, it’s the most heartbreaking experience. #sundaystars

    Like

  4. kharroald says:

    I have experienced two type of miscarriages. My first I was still pregnant with my son when we found out we lost his twin. It was heartbreaking cause I was upset and happy at the same time. My second was a year after my son was born. I was horrifically scared with my last pregnancy that the same thing would happen again. I don’t think it ever gets easier. We just adjust to it. Thank you for sharing your story it has given me strength to share mine about when we lost my sons twin. #SundayStars
    Kristen
    http://mustachesandprincessmom.blogspot.com

    Like

  5. wendy says:

    I have not experienced a miscarriage but at 13 weeks pregnant with my son I had a massive bleed and was convinced it was the worst and then at 24 weeks I had to have a scan for reduced movement, these were the most terrifying days of my life but I am so lucky everything worked out ok. I can not imagine how heartbreaking it must be to go through a miscarriage, especially not twice. I am so sorry this happened to you, it is a very brave, personal thing for you to write about and to invite others to have a space to talk about it is a lovely idea xx #SundayStars

    Like

    • mamasvidaloca says:

      Thank you for your lovely message Wendy. xx Being on high alert throughout a pregnancy is very terrifying, it’s almost as if you are holding your breathe the whole time isn’t it. It’s so great to hear that despite the scares everything worked out and you have your little one with you. 😀 xx

      Like

  6. Alice says:

    Hi Jess
    Just a quick note to say thanx for sharing your story. I’ve been through hell with 2 miscarriages in the last 6 months after one healthy gorgeous 3 year old boy.
    It’s been horrific and reading your story so resonated with me. It gives me hope.
    I’m at the stage atm where I’m figuring out how on earth I’ll get through feeling so sad. It’s so weird – anyway, your story has helped.
    Thank you xx

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    • mamasvidaloca says:

      Hi Alice,

      I am so sorry to hear you have had two miscarriages in such a short period of time. It is not easy dealing with multiple miscarriages, but having them so close together is heartbreaking and discouraging and only exacerbates your grief further.

      I am happy to hear that reading my story has given you hope. Hold on to that hope. You have one beautiful boy and chances are one day in the future you will have another baby in your arms again. For now give yourself the time to grieve and feel the sadness. It’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, there is one it’s just really tiny at the moment. But it’s there. Thinking of you. xx

      Like

  7. mummuddlingthrough says:

    A heartfelt post, thank you for sharing. I have experienced loss, late in pregnancy. I still feel there is a taboo dwelling on losing a child. Whether rightly or wrongly it feels like people are urging it to be forgotten, and squirm if it’s mentioned. Yet as you say, for the parent it is a very real loss that you can’t won’t shouldn’t ever forget. I’m glad you, like me went on to have happy endings x MMT #sundaystars

    Like

    • mamasvidaloca says:

      Oh MMT I am so sorry for your loss. A loss late in pregnancy must be so difficult because you have had all that time to love and anticipate the birth of your little one. I agree that the loss of a child during pregnancy and after is still quite a taboo subject and not one that many like to discuss, whether out of embarrassment or uncertainty of how to comfort someone. But I think for those who have suffered a loss it is much harder to have others ignore that it happened rather than to discuss it and validate that it was real.

      To happy endings! xx

      Like

  8. mummyofboygirltwins says:

    I too had one miscarriage and a few years of IVF. It was hard, heartbreaking and very tough. i must say it was probably my lowest point. However, I really do appreciate my family now as a result. It is such a difficult experience to go through and one I’ll never forget. Thanks for sharing. Jess x #SundayStars

    Like

    • mamasvidaloca says:

      Wow Jess what a journey! I am so sorry for your loss. xx I am so happy that you now have a beautiful little family to cherish. I completely understand what you mean about it being a low point in your life. It is definitely not something that can be forgotten. Thanks for having me at #SundayStars xx

      Like

  9. Rebecca Kingston says:

    Miscarriage is awful. Your post definitely struck a chord with the total fear of the next pregnancy – I didn’t really believe I would take a healthy baby home until I was driving home with my new baby in the back of the car! Thanks for sharing painful experiences – it’s hard.

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    • mamasvidaloca says:

      Oh Rebecca I completely understand that feeling! I even rode in the back of the car with my baby boy on the way home! I just couldn’t take my eyes of him! It’s a shame that after miscarriage, we view pregnancy in such a different way, it takes a tiny bit of the sparkle away, but makes us oh so grateful when we make it to the end of the journey and hold our little ones in our arms. xx

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  10. Lara says:

    Thank you for sharing your story. I am so glad that after two miscarriages, things worked out for you and you had a healthy child. I think it is important to share these things with other Mums, because it helps for people who have been through one or more miscarriages themselves to know that it doesn’t mean they won’t then go on to have a healthy child afterwards. #TwinklyTuesdays

    Like

    • mamasvidaloca says:

      Thank you Lara for your lovely message xx Yes it is true, I’ve had some very brave women get in touch to let me know that knowing I have gone on to have a healthy bubba after my two miscarriages has given them hope that they too could one day have the family they dream of. That makes sharing my story so worth it! 😀

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Mum in Brum says:

    This really brought a tear to my eye. Miscarriages really are heartbreaking – so sorry you had to go through it twice. I experienced one at six weeks before we conceived again and even though it was early on I still felt like I’d been robbed of something that was precious. When we got pregnant the second time we couldn’t get excited in the same way, but thank god we had a beautiful baby girl. But you’re right it does mean that you don’t enjoy the pregnancy and are constantly counting down every week – day in the beginning. So glad everything worked out for you xx #TwinklyTuesday

    Like

    • mamasvidaloca says:

      Congratulations on the birth of your gorgeous baby girl! It’s so great to know that after your loss you went on to have your daughter. I think even early miscarriages are a loss to be mourned. Some of us find out we are pregnant quite early so even at 6 weeks we have had the time to fall in love with our little one. Thank you for your lovely message xx

      Like

  12. Sophie @ Mum, M & More says:

    A lovely but emotional post. I had 2 miscarriages coming up 2 years ago when M was only little. I took the first one pretty well really, but the second one knocked me for six. I wondered why and what was going on. I cried on the sofa for days and felt absolutely drained. We are currently TTC #2 and I’m, petrified that its going to happen again. I hope that if I do become pregnant I won’t be consumed with paranoia. Thank you for a great post and to know that we are not alone! 🙂 xx

    Like

    • mamasvidaloca says:

      Oh Sophie you are definitely not alone! xx I completely understand why you are fearing the worst next time around. Just remember, chances are it will all go well, and even though you may be worried throughout your pregnancy, try and enjoy as much of it as you can and don’t let the fear consume you. I’m not going to lie, it can be hard to stay positive throughout, but I found that taking each day as it came, and being thankful that another day had passed by and baby was still safe and sound, that it made things that little bit easier than worrying too much about what ‘could’ happen in the future. Sending lots of hugs your way! Wishing you all the best for your +1 xx

      Like

  13. Carrie - Time to be an Adult says:

    Thank you for sharing your story. I’ve had two pregnancies end in miscarriage around the 10 week mark. Both were “missed” although I knew that something was amiss before I had any cramps or bleeding. We’re now trying for our third pregnancy and there is a strong feeling of wanting to get it over with…to either have a healthy child at the end or access to medical tests & treatment. I feel completely detached from the emotion of getting pregnant, hopefully if we progress through past 12 weeks that will come with time, but I do worry I won’t relax into my next pregnancy.

    Like

    • mamasvidaloca says:

      Oh Carrie, I completely relate to that feeling, and isn’t it a yucky place to be. I think it’s our way of protecting our hearts from potential heartbreak should something happen. It’s almost as if we don’t want to get our hopes up or get too attached in case it happens again. That’s why I feel that miscarriage can take the joy out of future pregnancies. But once it is all over and you have that little one in your arms, it is OH so worth it! You aren’t alone, and I wish and hope that the next time around is a positive experience for you and your little family xx ❤

      Like

  14. Emma's Mamma says:

    Thank you for sharing! I have fortunately never miscarried but I know a handful of people who have – all at different stages too. Even so, I remember passing week 35 (I think that’s right), when the lungs are fully developed so if baby is premature it’s more likely to survive, and feeling immense relief. This post is lovely, I’m so glad you managed to get two amazing boys in the end! #MMWBH

    Like

    • mamasvidaloca says:

      Thank you for your lovely message! ❤ I am so glad to hear you haven't experienced a miscarriage. Oh isn't it nerve racking that as Mamas-to-be we count down each day, each week that passes, hoping to get past that magic week that if our little ones were to make an early entrance they would most likely survive that premature birth! I think we all collectively breathe a sigh of relief when we get past that point! xx 😀

      Liked by 1 person

  15. Cheryl @ Reimer and Ruby says:

    I had experience having miscarriage too on my very first pregnancy… and oh! I was so devastated! Especially as it’s my first, I had high hopes and too excited with it. But I think it happens and it’s not me to blame, the fetus just didn’t develop the way it should be, it’s sad but it’s true! Thanks for sharing your story! #PicknMix

    Like

  16. Mrs PuddleduckyMrs Puddleducky says:

    Great post, I had a miscarriage when trying for my second child and it was heartbreaking, still is. I will never forget and I think of it often and what could have been. As you say people say ‘ it wasn’t meant to be’ but it doesn’t make it any better or easier to cope with. I’m lucky to have my little girl now, a sister for her older brother, both so precious x

    Like

    • mamasvidaloca says:

      I am so happy to hear you now have your son and daughter to complete your little family! ❤ Yes it definitely doesn't make things better when you are told it wasn't meant to be. Deep down we all know that, but it doesn't take the pain away. x

      Like

  17. mudpiefridays says:

    Thank you for sharing your story its very close to home for me, as I have suffered two after my first pregnancy which was trouble free. Our son is now 3. We are deciding if we can go through the heart ache again. Your story gives me hope, thank you for sharing xx #TwinklyTuesday

    Like

    • mamasvidaloca says:

      I’m so sorry that you have experienced two losses. It is definitely a hard decision to make whether you should continue to try to have another baby or not. I am hoping and wishing for a happy ending for you and your little family xx

      Liked by 1 person

  18. acornishmum says:

    I’ve had people very close to me go through miscarriages, so I’ve seen the devastating effect they can have and how hard they can be to recover from, truly not something I’d wish on my worst enemy. A brave post lovely, thanks for linking up to #PicknMix

    Stevie xx

    Like

  19. mummascribbles says:

    I’m so sorry that you have had to deal with this. My sister suffered from three miscarriages after she had my nephew so I know only too well for hard they are to move on from. After the third, she gave up trying because she just couldn’t go through it again. Sharing your story is so brave and so helpful to so many people. Thanks so much for linking up with #TwinklyTuesday

    Like

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